The Great Pretender

She wakes today as she does every other day in her life.

The first thing she thinks about is how much she hates herself.

A tear formed in the corner of her eye at the thought of facing the world.

She gets up and goes to her closet to carefully pick out her attire for the day.

Of course she hated her body, so the main objective was to cover it up just enough.

She was smart and knew that if you strategically paired a pair of leggings with a baggy-but-not-too-baggy top then no one would think that you were covering up something.

Once she had picked out her attire for the day, she moved to get ready for a shower. While in the bathroom she stared at her body, she teared up felt repulsed. She stood there for a few moments as she resisted the urge to take a razor to her bare flesh like she had done many times before.

She stepped into the shower and braced herself for the pain. The pain she felt during showers had become an everyday occurrance because of the open cuts on her legs which had been strategically placed on her upper thighs so that they were easily coverable.

As she carried on getting herself ready for the day she grew increasingly anxious and self-conscious. But she was no fool, and years of private school and social grooming had taught her how to play people just right. She knew that she had to let people in a little bit so they wouldn't grow suspicious of her but she had also learned to keep everyone at an arm's length.

She thought about going downstairs to get something to eat, but then looked at the clock and realized that she wouldn't have enough time to stick her toothbrush down her throat to force herself to throw it up. She knew that what she was doing was horrible for her body and her health but her sense of reason and logic was most often overpowered by her desperate need to rid her body of the weighing feeling of food.

However, the greatest task that she tackled daily was her make-up. It was the part of the day that she loathed and loved simultaneously. She loved it because it was a chance to cover up, and she loathed it for the very same reason. As she applied layer after layer of foundation her physical insecurities went away and she started to feel comfortable. Just a little.

She went to her accessories and pulled out several bracelets, earrings and necklaces. She always wore an insane amount of jewelery because she figured that if people were paying attention to her accessories, they wouldn't have time to pay attention to how ugly she was.

People told her that she was pretty all the time, but most of the time when they did it just made her feel sad and confused. When guys told her she was pretty, she knew it was because they wanted sex. When other people told her she was pretty, it was because they felt sorry for her. Everyone attributed the way she dressed and acted to her "diva" persona, but no one took the time to get to know the person under the make-up and the pearls.

And she pulls on her thigh-high boots and pastes on a smile and walks out of the door for another day of pretending.......

Love/Pain. Synonyms in my world.

In a world where hurt and pain are so prevelant, I have a hard time believing in this thing called "love". It's been said that love is supposed to free us from the weight and pain of life. From my cynical and perfectly coal-rimmed eyes, it seems that love is the main cause of the weight and pain in life. Maybe I shouldn't say love, when I mean to address what passes for love in this day and age. In my overly cynical and perhaps naive mind love is supposed to be this sacred thing. Something that makes you feel safe and comfortable. That pushes you to your limits, but pulls you back right before you fall. Love is supposed to be true and truthful; meaning total honesty. The good and the bad. In my mind, love is supposed to be faithful. Love is supposed to make you feel vulnerable whilst simultaneously making you stronger, because you try things that you normally wouldn't because you know that you have that one person who will always catch you if you should fall. I look at the relationships around me and I can honestly say that if they are any indication of what "love" has become, I'll be single forever. It seems like any and everything will suffice for love these days. People who are in relationships that contain infidelity, dishonesty, malice, and anger can now be considered to be in "love". I'll be the first to say that it confuses me greatly. I'm known, in most circles, as the girl who doesn't believe in love, and with what "love" has become I think that I'm completely justified in my belief. Recently, I've come to the realization that perhaps it's not that I don't believe in love, it's that I don't believe in what passes for love. I feel that if I say that I believe in love, I'll have to admit that I'm okay with a man cheating, lying, and manipulating me whilst sedating myself with lies that he cares about me. Everyone surrounding me in a relationship is in "love" and they put up with that kind of bullshit daily. I made a vow to myself a long time ago, that I would settle for no less than the best in relationships. I honestly feel like I've been through waayy to much in life to settle. I know it sounds terribly cliche, but I believe that I'm worth more. Maybe my version and my idea of love doesn't exist. Perhaps it never did. Maybe I'll be alone forever and I honestly think that I can live with that. But what I can't live with is adopting everyone else's view of love and accepting it as my own. So until next time....