Learn to Be Lonely

Here is a rough draft a column that I am writing for an online magazine. Enjoy;) In the infamous words of musical composer Andrew Lloyd Webber, young women today need to learn to be lonely. Now at first glance this might seem like sinister advice, but I promise you that it has a silver lining. In my short 18 years of life, relationships and love have morphed into things of a cliché nature. I can only speak for my generation, but it seems that we as young women have lost sight of a little thing called “standards”. Through close observation and a bit of practical work I have come to find that young women have become accustomed to accepting less than the best in relationships. We seem to have adapted this concept of playing a “role”. We have accepted what it is and make no further advances to change and make it what it should be. We have the power to do so, but still, for some reason staying in bad relationships seems, not only the favorable option, but the only option. When he disrespects, lies, or cheats; instead of accepting that his actions dictate that he really doesn’t want to be with us, we make excuses for him and ourselves as to why we stay with him. As I walk around the University of Toronto campus I wonder why this has come to be. Is it the textbook Dr. Phil answer which would be something to the effect of low self esteem? Or as the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You” would have us believe, is it because from a young age we are taught that when a boy is mean to us it means that he likes us? Have times changed so drastically that this sub-par treatment in relationships is normal? Thoughts like these keep me up at night, as I’m sure they do many other women of today’s world. On the whole it seems that the days of honesty and fidelity are long gone and have been replaced by lies and deceit. I would like to say that this phenomenon of sub- par relationships are common among my generation because we just don’t know better, but I honestly do not think that is the case. After many sessions of tears, Oprah, and glasses of wine I’ve come to the conclusion that young women today need to learn to be lonely. Media, literature, and modern society force and reinforce this notion of “the couple” to us from the time we are young. We are told in many different ways that we are meant to be paired up, and if we’re not then something is seriously wrong. It is my belief that if we learn to be alone, it can only enhance the relationships we have in life. The phrase “learn to be lonely” is not meant to assert or insinuate that one be alone all of the time or forever. It simply means that we need to learn to be by ourselves in order to discover what makes us special, beautiful and unique as women so we know exactly what we bring to the table in relationships. If we do this we are less likely to be in sub- standard relationships for the fear of being alone. Through talking to some of the young women on the University of Toronto campus I’ve discovered that the general consensus is that most women stay in unhealthy relationships, convincing themselves that they are somehow doing him a favor by giving him another chance, because the fear and uncertainty of being alone is next to unbearable. Relationships are meant to enhance us, not complete us. We as women need to not rely on relationships to make us whole, but ourselves. And in the words of Andrew Lloyd Webber “learn to be lonely and learn to love life that is lived alone”.

I don't know everything but I know....

-I don't know everything, but I know that when a guy pursues you, it doesn't always mean that he likes you, it just means that he loves sex.

-I don't know everything but I know that love is a dangerous drug. It hallucinates the mind; makes you see things that aren't there, and ignore things that are.

-I don't know everything but I know that good friends who tell you the truth, no matter how hard the truth may be, are hard to come by.

-I don't know everything but I know that in order to love someone, you must love yourself. And in order to love yourself you must know yourself. And in order to know yourself you must live.

-I don't know everything but I know that a woman will concoct any story and rationalize any situation to keep her relationship alive.

-I don't know everything but I know that a private school education doesn't keep a person from being stupid.

-I dont know everything but I know that a woman will sacrifice everything to stay in a relationship, while a man lives his life.

-I dont know everything but I know that a woman who sets standards, and adheres to them, in a relationship is a rare and precious commodity.

-I don't know everything but I know that when a woman stands up for herself, he may not like it, but at the end of the day he will respect it.

-I don't know everything but i know that when a woman lets a man walk all over her, he's in charge and he knows it, And we all know what happens when boys go on power trips.;) I don't know everything but i know that the world will always judge. Sometimes we get judged, sometimes we're the ones doing the judging. But if at the end of the day you can look yourself in the mirror and say "I did my best today", then that's all that matters.

-I don't know everything but I know that a man can lie, cheat and get away with murder all because the woman in his life will let him.

-I don't know everything but I know that, for a woman, there is no greater fear than the fear of being along. Which makes women so much more accepting of being in bad relationships. "Being in a bad relationship is better than being in no relationship at all".

-I don't know everything and I know that I have a lot of learning to do........
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When A Man Loves A Woman

Heyy ladies! I've been feeling kind of inspired lately so here is lovely piece of literature to add to your "Shara Trott Collection" ;)

When a man loves a woman; HE DOES NOT CHEAT ON YOU. ( It's not rocket science. When a man cheats on you, he is telling you that you are not enough for him. And why would you want to be with someone who would rather be with someone else? (Though idk why he would want to be with someone else because you're all fabulous and gorgeous young ladies!) And furthermore, when you take a man back after he has cheated you are telling him that you don't think you deserve better, he no longer respects you or your relationship, and it gives him a free pass to do it over and over. Which he will.

When a man loves a woman; HE CALLS YOU (And I don't mean every two seconds. When a man is interested, he can't help but want to talk to you. And if he wants to talk to you; HE WILL. And if he doesn't want to talk to you; HE WON'T. And if he doesn't want to talk to you.....you're with him because..??? It takes two seconds to pick up the phone and check in, and if he can't even make the effort to pick up the phone, how the hell do you think he can put forth the effort to make a relationship work? Think about it.

When a man loves a woman; HE FIGHTS FOR HER (And I do not mean physically fight! If he wants you. He will let you know. If you ask him the THE question and he does not say; "I want to be with you" or something along those lines, you have a serious problem.
When a man loves a woman; HE WANTS THE BEST FOR HER (If he loves you, he will do whats best for you. Even if it means that he doesn't get everything he wants. Just like you would do the same for him.)

When a man loves a woman; HE DOES NOT CONFUSE WEAK WITH VULNERABLE (We all know that to truly love someone you need to be vulnerable and let him in blah blah blah. But being vulnerable doesn't mean to be weak. Weak is something you become when you're SICK or when someone has torn you down. And I've heard that love is supposed to make you feel good. LOVE DOES NOT HURT, contrary to popular belief. Yes you're going to have your tough moments, but when he's hurting you over and over or on purpose its time to walk away. And walking away doesn't mean you're giving up. It means you finally realised that you deserve better.)

When a woman loves a man; SHE LOVES HERSELF (It is impossible to love someone without loving yourself. So accepting his bullshit lies, and letting him treat you however he wants isn't loving him, because you're not loving yourself. You're enabling him; and thats something that people do with drug addicts;)

When a woman loves a man; SHE COMMUNICATES WHAT SHE WANTS AND NEEDS (If you cannot openly talk to the person you love, about anything; without the fear of him walking away, you have nothing. You cannot build something on nothing)

When a woman loves a man; SHE TRUSTS HIM (If you can't trust him. You can't love him. Enough said) Yeah, so you all know that I don't "do love" and I have my reasons. But I've been observing and reading a lot about "love", and if my friends are going to be in love, I want you guys to have the best♥.

The Great Pretender

She wakes today as she does every other day in her life.

The first thing she thinks about is how much she hates herself.

A tear formed in the corner of her eye at the thought of facing the world.

She gets up and goes to her closet to carefully pick out her attire for the day.

Of course she hated her body, so the main objective was to cover it up just enough.

She was smart and knew that if you strategically paired a pair of leggings with a baggy-but-not-too-baggy top then no one would think that you were covering up something.

Once she had picked out her attire for the day, she moved to get ready for a shower. While in the bathroom she stared at her body, she teared up felt repulsed. She stood there for a few moments as she resisted the urge to take a razor to her bare flesh like she had done many times before.

She stepped into the shower and braced herself for the pain. The pain she felt during showers had become an everyday occurrance because of the open cuts on her legs which had been strategically placed on her upper thighs so that they were easily coverable.

As she carried on getting herself ready for the day she grew increasingly anxious and self-conscious. But she was no fool, and years of private school and social grooming had taught her how to play people just right. She knew that she had to let people in a little bit so they wouldn't grow suspicious of her but she had also learned to keep everyone at an arm's length.

She thought about going downstairs to get something to eat, but then looked at the clock and realized that she wouldn't have enough time to stick her toothbrush down her throat to force herself to throw it up. She knew that what she was doing was horrible for her body and her health but her sense of reason and logic was most often overpowered by her desperate need to rid her body of the weighing feeling of food.

However, the greatest task that she tackled daily was her make-up. It was the part of the day that she loathed and loved simultaneously. She loved it because it was a chance to cover up, and she loathed it for the very same reason. As she applied layer after layer of foundation her physical insecurities went away and she started to feel comfortable. Just a little.

She went to her accessories and pulled out several bracelets, earrings and necklaces. She always wore an insane amount of jewelery because she figured that if people were paying attention to her accessories, they wouldn't have time to pay attention to how ugly she was.

People told her that she was pretty all the time, but most of the time when they did it just made her feel sad and confused. When guys told her she was pretty, she knew it was because they wanted sex. When other people told her she was pretty, it was because they felt sorry for her. Everyone attributed the way she dressed and acted to her "diva" persona, but no one took the time to get to know the person under the make-up and the pearls.

And she pulls on her thigh-high boots and pastes on a smile and walks out of the door for another day of pretending.......

Love/Pain. Synonyms in my world.

In a world where hurt and pain are so prevelant, I have a hard time believing in this thing called "love". It's been said that love is supposed to free us from the weight and pain of life. From my cynical and perfectly coal-rimmed eyes, it seems that love is the main cause of the weight and pain in life. Maybe I shouldn't say love, when I mean to address what passes for love in this day and age. In my overly cynical and perhaps naive mind love is supposed to be this sacred thing. Something that makes you feel safe and comfortable. That pushes you to your limits, but pulls you back right before you fall. Love is supposed to be true and truthful; meaning total honesty. The good and the bad. In my mind, love is supposed to be faithful. Love is supposed to make you feel vulnerable whilst simultaneously making you stronger, because you try things that you normally wouldn't because you know that you have that one person who will always catch you if you should fall. I look at the relationships around me and I can honestly say that if they are any indication of what "love" has become, I'll be single forever. It seems like any and everything will suffice for love these days. People who are in relationships that contain infidelity, dishonesty, malice, and anger can now be considered to be in "love". I'll be the first to say that it confuses me greatly. I'm known, in most circles, as the girl who doesn't believe in love, and with what "love" has become I think that I'm completely justified in my belief. Recently, I've come to the realization that perhaps it's not that I don't believe in love, it's that I don't believe in what passes for love. I feel that if I say that I believe in love, I'll have to admit that I'm okay with a man cheating, lying, and manipulating me whilst sedating myself with lies that he cares about me. Everyone surrounding me in a relationship is in "love" and they put up with that kind of bullshit daily. I made a vow to myself a long time ago, that I would settle for no less than the best in relationships. I honestly feel like I've been through waayy to much in life to settle. I know it sounds terribly cliche, but I believe that I'm worth more. Maybe my version and my idea of love doesn't exist. Perhaps it never did. Maybe I'll be alone forever and I honestly think that I can live with that. But what I can't live with is adopting everyone else's view of love and accepting it as my own. So until next time....

The way we were....

Ladies,

Remember when we were younger and everything was so simple and cut and dry? Namely relationships. I mean back then you met a guy in the sandbox after your morning juice box, he'd hit you or spit on you or do something equally grotesque and then by nap time he was your boyfriend. Ahh the good ol' days. But as with most things in life, around the time we stopped wearing training bras and listening to Aaron Carter it got complicated. Nowadays relationships and this thing we call love are about as complicated as trying to figure out why people like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are famous. Now I could sit here on this blog on this beautiful Tuesday night when I'm supposed to be studying for exams and tell you a bunch of comforting, but impeccably worded lies to soothe your fears about relationships. In this blog i'm telling it like it is, no holes barred. As the authour of this blog I feel that it is my duty not to sugar-coat and bullshit the truth about things that need to be heard. So here we go, right into it. When a man cheats on you; HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. And I don't give a shit what he tells you or the circumstances in which he committed such an act. "Babe it just happened", "I wasn't thinking", and "It meant nothing" are all phrases I'm sure you've all heard before when dealing with cheating bastards. Let me tell you something, it did not "just happen, he was thinking, and it did mean something. He's lying when he says that he wasn't thinking of you or your relationship. He was thinking of you, every step of the way. When he made plans with her; he thought of you. When he opened the door to let her in; he thought of you. When he started to kiss her; he thought of you. When he took off his pants and had sex with her; he thought of you. He thought of you throughout the entire thing and guess what: HE DIDN'T CARE. And deep down you know thats the truth. You can sit there and pacify yourself all you want with all that "he loves me and it was a mistake" bullshit, but trust me, it will never silence the voice in the back of your head telling you that you're not good enough and not enough for him; a voice that wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for his actions. And the worst thing you can ever do, besides wearing white pants and white shoes, is take him back after he's cheated. I don't give a shit what he says and what promises he makes; he no longer respects you or your relationship. He's gotten one over on you and he knows it. When you take him back after cheating you might as well say to him "I don't think I deserve more, so I'll settle for you". And you know that "resentment" you feel for him right after he's cheated? Well I'll tell you right now that is NOT resentment you feel for him for cheating; it's resentment you feel for yourself for not having the strength to walk away. Anyways, that's enough ranting for one night. So until next time........